I am so, so sorry.

See I forgot all about you. When I saw your picture by accident on Social Media, you looked vaguely familiar. So I clicked on your picture which lead to your Social Media account, and I scrolled through while wondering why you looked so familiar. Even your name didn’t ring a bell…

While scrolling, I noticed you uploaded pictures taken in 1998 and it was then that I recognized you immediately! In 1998 we hung out for about 6 months, before we went our separate ways. Then the shock settled in, the shock about the person you became due to mental illness. Your appearance changed, your behaviour changed. Even your voice changed, it is so harsh now…. You used to sound soft-spoken and sweet. Hell you even talk with a different accent now, how is that even possible?

I learned you had you first psychosis in 2008, that was 10 years after we met. And all I could think was:

“This should have been me.”

It’s me who should have been placed in a psychiatric facility in 2008, not you. If people who knew us back then, were asked who would end up with her first psychosis within 10 years.  Everyone (me included) would have answered Janice.

You had unlike me everything going for you. Since you have a Dutch father, the stupid rules of the backward honour culture we were both born in didn’t apply to you. Even your 2 older brothers didn’t gave a fuck about enforcing those stupid rules on you. You know those rules which always are presented under the guise of “to protect women”, but actually are suppressing women, those rules.

Dear N, what happened? Where did it go wrong? How is that you of all people ended up like this? I cannot help but think, something bad must have happened to you, something REAL bad.

You know what makes the situation so eerie? We are in so many ways similar, we were both born in Surinam but grew up in the Netherlands. We both like the same music, we both love to draw with pastels, you use soft pastes and I use oil pastels. We both did things in 1998 that almost all girls from the same backward honour culture weren’t allowed to do. We both never gave a fuck what people from the same shitty culture thought of us, even if their dismay of us was very clear. We were both independent, free spirited girls. Now after all those years, I founnd you again. Not on a random day, but the day you recovered from your fourth psychosis……

Scrolling through your Social Media I read things and saw vids of you that upset me. There was this one specific vid I couldn’t watch, I was scared you would hurt yourself. I sent the vid to my real mom (S. ❤ ), she told me what happened. You were making dinner, with vegetables that had mould on them… She also told me, you shouldn’t be living on your own like that (my mom used to work with people who had a psychosis). Apparently due to budget cuts you are let loose on the streets, figuratively. Hearing that broke my heart in so many ways, I have been crying for days about your situation.

There are so many things I read on your Social Media that upset me. Like how you have to ask for discounts while shopping for groceries (isn’t that just begging?). Or how predators prey on you, they know you are vulnerable and the comments they write makes me want to puke. I also have the impression you share nudes with whomever asks….

This is what I don’t understand, going by your Social Media your entire extended family is a part of your life. They visit you, you visit them. Why aren’t they making sure, you have at least enough to eat? So that you don’t have to beg for a discounts or make dinner with moulded vegetables?

The thing that for some reason upsets me the most, is you still live in the area you grew up in. I HATE it that you might be seen as the local crazy lady, who goes around begging. You don’t deserve that, again it should have been me not you. Your current situation for some reason makes me think of the song “Kiss The Rain” by Billie Myers, which ironically was played a lot in 1998. The lyrics, the vid just everything is so apt to where you are now.

A specific scene in the beginning off the vid, makes me think about the moment you lost your sanity. A woman covered in a sheet passes Billie Myers by, I find it interesting you cannot see the woman. Also you see the the woman’s shadow going down the stairs while not seeing her (I think technically you should have been able to see her). After the woman is gone Billie Myers destroys the heart shaped balloon (is that what happened N, did someone destroy your heart?). As the vid continues Billie Myers state of mind visibly declines. Here is the specific scene I am talking about:

(You can see the entire vid here)

I am ending this letter with the lyrics and the promise that I am letting you go. As of today, I won’t be checking your Social Media any more. Again Dear N, I am so, so sorry, I just don’t know what to write, so I am ending it here. (I changed some details to protect N’s identity).

Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I getting through to you?
Hello
Is it late there?
Is there laughter on the line?
Are you sure you’re there alone?
‘Cause I’m
Trying to explain
Something’s wrong
You just don’t sound the same